Organized Chaos
Ego Drive
I run in circles as I try to break out of this cycle. My ego keeps me in a loop and it rarely lets me go. It all gets foggy as I disappear in the midst of my mind's mist — sometimes I think too much. Sometimes… I don't want to think at all. I often find myself in silence, analyzing the depths of my own soul. My mind feels, my heart thinks.
I say I'm always growing but I constantly pull away when I get closer to learning the difference between change and progress. I'm scared I'll accidentally stay the same. Although I steadily crave growth and momentum, something is always holding me back. I feel the pleasures of heaven within me but the pains of the purgatory are often riding shotgun. I go in different directions but I never seem to find the right path. Somehow, I always get lost on the road.
I've got dreams so big I feel uncomfortable telling small-minded people. I'm ambitious to the point I often scare myself, until I recognise, I'm also the only person stopping myself from achieving these dreams. I procrastinate, stall and self-sabotage until I realize I am indeed, my biggest obstacle. My mind has always been my worst enemy.
My ego keeps me in a loop and it rarely lets me go. What do I really want? What do I actually need? Do I really need to figure this out right now?
I’ve always been myself to the point it hurts to even try to be anything else. But this ego, oh this ego, it works in curious ways. That's the thing about curiosity — most times, it often leads to trouble. I meditate, elevate and take the time to reflect. Moments of stillness come rarely, especially in a city that constantly reflects chaos. But the best reflections, I must admit, usually happen out of chaos. If you look at it from the right angle, its a source of inspiration as much as it is of frustration. It can be both a distraction and a escape, but it certainly holds its own revelations.
I'm learning to accept chaos although I'm still not sure whether it accepts me.
In between constant movement and not enough motion, I often get lost in my emotions. Sometimes, I try too hard to grasp what I want and what I need. Other times; my ego speaks louder, convincing me to do the bare minimum, allowing me to get lost again. "You can worry about this later," it whispers in the back of my mind.
With time, I’ve learned that getting lost is also a way of finding yourself. Yet, when you tend to get lost a lot — a trait I’ve also realized it shapes an essential part of who I am — your mind turns into a grenade, waiting to explode at any given moment. Impulsive, intense, destructive. Too fragile.
I often lose sight of what matters and lose track of my journey until I collide with myself again. I've come to understand that most times, I'm not the biggest, but actually my one and only obstacle. There's no turning the other way or going around it. I must face myself in order to get to my dreams. I am, ironically enough, my worst nightmare.
While on the road, I get closer to the edge and sometimes I think of jumping — just to feel the adrenaline rush. I always convince myself to re-route. I stopped fighting the chaos inside of me when I realized it makes me who I am. Instead of resisting, or trying to ignore it, I'm attempting to accept, embrace and learn from it. I have too many questions and never enough answers. But on the road to self-discovery, I've realized that the most compelling answers are usually the ones that shatter all the questions.
I breathe, deeply, breaking free from my own cycle. The chaos inside of me is finally befriending my ego. We're now planning a roadtrip to find a better me.
