Organized Chaos
Flammable
Destiny, when you really stop to think about it, is almost an intimate relationship — a constant play between divine forces and persistent motivation. It's self effort as much as it is simply fate. Half of it is in your hands; dripping in between your fingers, begging for you to mold it and sculpt it as you please, and half of it you have absolutely no control over. Your actions and thoughts show measurable consequences, sometimes expected, sometimes completely unforeseen. Still, to an extent, destiny is essentially what we make of it.
Destiny seems to hit us the hardest during the moments where we feel fragile and bound to break at any second. When the eyes seem to fill with tears at the thought of, well, any thought, and at times where we can hardly focus to slow down our own minds. Destiny suddenly comes; at the instants you're taking a deep breath simply because you need it in order to pull yourself together and when you least expect it, the inevitability hits you — at your most delicate, damaged and lonely, even when you seem to be surrounded by love and joy. Destiny is a foul play in a game of chance.
It’s no secret that some of us feel more than others. While few are given a quiet, easygoing mind that accepts life as it is, others are both gifted and cursed with the relentless urge to fathom and deciphre the workings of existence. I never really understood how people stare at a fire and only see flames — I’ve always felt the heat so deep in my skin, it burned all the way to my heart, allowing me to see the flaming red of passion, the energetic yellow of power and many of the answers to questions I’ve never even asked. When you’re constantly deep diving in and out of emotions, endlessly bursting with sense and sensibility, mindset and destiny seem to be steadily intertwined.
There’s a price to this kind of vulnerability though, as there is a prize. With the same intensity you live, laugh and thrive, you suffer, grieve and self-destruct. When the time comes and you can finally recover from this pain, you throw yourself head-first into something else as deep, a natural attempt to take your mind e off. But what happens when you find something or someone with the same fire as yours? When equally magnetic forces find each other —the hot and cold, the dark and light, the stillness and movement— constantly tangling with no solving? Do they attract, repel, fuel into each other's flames or burn each other's hearts?
I’ve never been the simple kind. I’ve always wanted to know more, push further, pull harder. Experience things to the fullest, good or bad, by impulsively throwing myself at them and with the same speed and fervor, out of them when they didn't fit me anymore. Still not sitting still, I've ran around and watched so many things build up and fall apart in front of my eyes, I eventually found pleasure in pulling myself back together.
I’ve always loved to play with fire and after burning myself way too many times, I even learned to enjoy the pain. I’ve burned photographs, bridges, letters, incense, candles and when I had nothing else to burn, I would set myself on fire. I’ve felt every inch of my body slowly ignite inside of me as I simultaneously watched the world blaze outside. I’ve always loved the rush, the motion and the vigor that came with the chaos — I've accepted it my whole life although I'm not sure if it ever accepted me.
I learned quickly that playing with fire can cause blazing consequences — wildfires so forceful that after a point, there’s nothing you can do to stop them from spreading. Like decoding a riddle and finding the familiar in the unknown, those fiery fallouts made me realize that anger is often grief that has been silent for too long and nothing ever goes away until it teaches you exactly what you need to know.
They say that in order for you to be free, you need to train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose. Sometimes, you even need to practice letting go of what you never had. In the search for your inner flame, you have to release the ego to figure out what is trapping your soul. Freedom, when you really stop to think about it, is almost a mind state— you either feel it so much you can sense the shimmering inside of you or you don't even notice when all your dreams start turning into ash.
