Organized Chaos
Push/Pull
I need to let go but I insist on holding on. This game of push-pull keeps playing tricks on me.
I’m taking turns on the wheel with my destiny. I feel like I’m losing control but at the same time, I’ve never been so sure of where I stand. I wonder if I’m going crazy and quickly remind myself that anyone who’s remotely interesting, is crazy in one way or another.
I need to let life happen, exactly how its supposed to happen, and with that, understand that life actually transforms itself in the most beautiful ways when we’re not in control. Sometimes, we just need to trust — the universe, ourselves, fate and intuition.
I take a deep breath, let loose, and as I release, I realize not everything will always be under my control and therefore, I need to stop craving it.
“You’re a camouflaged control freak” — a friend nonchalantly described me over a joint. “You look cool and put together, but I know you’re always freaking out inside, plotting your next move. You need to be in control of every aspect of your life even when everything is out of control.”
He was absolutely right.
The thought of letting go of what’s comfortable and letting a new chapter begin is terrifying, but it also fills me up with a weird kind of excitement. Change is undeniably on its way and I need to stop resisting. The voice inside of my head convinces me that there’s still much more to unravel, but finally, I understand that I need to let life undo all the knots I'm constantly tangled in.
The future still looks bright, though — with brand new doors to be opened, unknown paths to follow, familiar faces to go back to. I realize its a chance to ditch old habits, give space for all wounds to heal and watch them become scars that will eventually turn into reminders of a different time.
It’s exhausting to be in between— I’ve always done better on the edges, tip toeing in between my heavy thoughts and the light moments where I find myself contemplating about how fortunate I am. I sit in silence and let my fears alleviate. I search for my freedom and find it exactly where it was last time — within myself. I lose control to find myself and when I lose myself, I feel the most alive and sane.
Most times the best way to remain sane is to love like crazy, live unapologetically and only focus on the present. The future, I have learned, is untouchable— and like clockwork, it always unfolds and presents itself exactly how it's supposed to, when the time is right.
Something is always born out of fear and anxiety though — loneliness, inhibition, instability… it all seems to balance out when you start focusing on the premise of a fresh beginning. I've been realizing that the only way to make sense out of change is to not resist it. But instead, give it full control. Plunge into it, let it move you and in return, move with it completely.
